If I had my way...

   If I had the means, if I was able, I would destroy most of the new buildings that have been built over the past forty years or so and replace them with the old buildings that were torn down in the name of "progress." I would replace the woods that was plowed under to build subdivisions full of McMansions and cul-de-sacs. Put all the trees back. I would scrap all the little ugly roller skates that pass for "cars" these days, and restore whatever old cars are still left. I would find me about 80 acres or so and erect a 16' perimeter fence with barbed wire to keep motherfuckers out, and I'd live in the loft of a barn. I'd have my own junkyard in the middle of my own woods. I'd also fire the SCOTUS and Congress and the president and all the stuffed suits from both mainstream parties, and all the executives of all the corporations, abolish the Federal Reserve Bank, and take all the wealth from the 1% and redistribute it so that everybody has a fair share. All men are created equal, so why do a little handful of old rich pieces of shit own all the wealth while 99% of us are poor? I'd plow the golf courses under and restore them to nature. I'd knock down the skyscrapers and eliminate the interstates that cut neighborhoods in half. Everything that they mislabel as "progress" would go back to they way it used to be. No more yuppies. No more eyesore highrises. And everybody would be encouraged to grow cannabis. All the "factory farms" would go back to being actual farms, and corporate would be rendered nonexistent. If I had my way, the world would go back to the way it's supposed to be. No more greedy rich bastards. No more McMansions. No more disparity. No more gestapo stormtroopers with badges. And no more cults either. No more fascism. No more royalty. Everybody would be equal. No more homelessness. No more tax. No more debt. No more innocent little kids starving. No more Big Brother watching you thru your webcam. No more oppression. No more racism. No more politics. No more wars. Just regular folks living regular lives.

Shoes...

 Ok. I had this girlfriend once who really liked shoes. She must've had 50 pairs of shoes under the bed. This will be important later. So this girl used to take excruciatingly long in the bathroom. I've peed out windows. But I digress... One time she was in the bathroom for a long time. A really long time. Too long. And I had to shit. So I reached under the bed... I reached way back, and I grabbed me a shoe. One that I figured she didn't even know was under there... I shit in the shoe. Then I wiped my ass with kleenex and stuffed that into the shoe. I wasn't sure what to do next. I was pondering this, when I heard the bathroom door open. In a panic, I stuffed the shoe back under the bed. Way back. Fast forward a bit, sometime later... She says, "Do you smell something?" I said "sniff sniff, No." She said, "sniff sniff, Amost smells like... sniff... shit." I must've let a laugh slip out. She said, "You think it's funny?!" I said, "No, just the way you said it was funny." She said, "Well I'm gonna find it, whatever it is." And she proceeded to walk all around the apartment, sniffing. I was grinning and gritting my teeth at the same time. I got up and took the trash out. Then i told her there was a rotten potato and I got rid of it. That worked temporarily, but I still had to do something about the shoe full of shit. So the next time I was alone in the apartment, I pulled the bed out from the wall, found the poop shoe, and wailed it out the window as far as I could. Pushed the bed back and called it a done deal. ...Until we were getting ready to go somewhere and she couldn't find one shoe. One particular shoe, that should've been right there, where she always kept it... ... ..Uh oh.  She had the bed out from the wall, and all the shoes laid out in pairs on the bed, and there was one shoe missing. "Where's my shoe?!" "I have no idea." (True. It went out the window, so maybe, outside?) "Bullshit. There's nobody else here but you and me. Where's my fuckin shoe?!" "I don't know." (Again, true.) So, I'm not gonna rehash the whole fight, but I was the bad guy by default. Again.

 ..About a week later we were going somewhere, and she just said, "Stop!" She opened the door yelling, "Thats my shoe! That's my fuckin shoe!" I sat there and watched her run over to a pink thing lying in the grass, pick it up, inspect it, reach into it, and drop it. Then she just started screaming. I sat there shaking my head, thinking, well, I'm fucked now. Better find a couch to surf on. She was on her knees now, still screaming. I thought about just closing the door and driving away, but I didn't. I pulled the door shut, but I just sat there watching her... Then something unexpected happened. I didn't notice the cop approaching until he was almost on top of her. When he spoke to her she screamed back at him. She stood up and started flailing her arms, and he took her down and handcuffed her. Oh shit. A crowd was forming by this time. Everybody didn't have camera phones back then, this was like 1992, but folks sure had a boatload of morbid curiosity. He pulled her up to her feet, and she kind of spit-yelled in his face, "He shit in my shoe!" And then, "Waaaaaaah!" I'm just sitting there in the car with my mouth hanging open.  As he was dragging her to his car, she kept screaming, "My shoe! My shoe!" over and over. She went to the psych ward that day. I went home and started packing.

Oops. My bad.

I kept a hairy eyeball over my shoulder for a couple years. You know what they say about a woman scorned. I honestly never expected it to escalate to that point, until it did. I didn't see it coming. Then I just sat there staring like a deer in the headlights while the cop hauled her off. I didn't even try to intervene. And then I just drove away. To assume she hated my guts at that point would be an understatement. I sold that car and got a pickup that she wouldn't recognize. I didn't mean her any harm. When you gotta go you gotta go. 

The moral of the story? I don't know. Maybe don't shit in your girlfriend's shoe?  I guess...

  And if you do, don't throw it out the window where she can find it.

Business As Usual...

I'm sick of politics.  I'm sick of the same old tired rhetoric.  I'm sick of the left and the right throwing shit at each other while all of us get fucked by both of them.  Answer these two questions: 1) What are conservatives conserving? 2)  What are liberals liberating?

I see the 1% desperately trying to keep themselves rich and the rest of us poor.  I see snowflakes from every corner trying to further their own agendas, while not giving a fuck about anybody else.  I see opinions flying like pigeons.  I don't see any unity.  I don't see much happening for the greater good.  Cops still bully innocent citizens while criminals are running the country.  The rich pay no taxes, but the rest of us are expected to pay too much.  They're systematically eliminating the middle classes and fucking the worker at every turn.  And don't even let me start abour religion.  Authoritarianism is not the answer, never was, never will be.  Fascism, communism, no real difference from the common man's perspective.  We get fucked over, taxed almost to death, and are expected to obey them like slaves.  Small business gets fucked because big corporate business doesn't want competition.  In a communist society the government owns everything, you own nothing, and they dole a few crumbs out as they see fit.  They expect you to be happy in your servitude, and obey them without question, attend rallies to praise the "leader" and kiss his ass, and if you don't, they send you to a gulag.  In a fascist society the rich own everything, including the government, and they expect you to obey them without question, accept the bare minimum pay, and attend mass gatherings to praise the "leader" and kiss his ass. If you don't, they send you to a work camp.  Doesn't sound all that different to me.  You get fucked by the man either way.  And religion is basically the same, obey us or suffer in fire for all eternity, give us 10% of everything, and never question anything.  Whatever happened to freedom?  Obey, obey, obey... Fuck you! i'm not gonna obey you! You can go pound salt!   

Redo De Doodoo. Redone De Dungdung. Redone Redundant Redundancies.

There.  There it is, there.  Where?  Right there.  Next to John Cena.  Can't see the forest for the trees.  People smile and lie thru their teeth at you while they shake your hand.  It's business.  SOP.  Happens everyday...  People cheat, cut corners, half-ass things, do sloppy work, no fucks given.  Happens on the job site.  Happens in the office.  Happens in the bank, the police department, city, county, state, federal government, etc.  Shit's in all walks of life.  Crap in a bucket.  Been going on for a long time, too.  Some contractor 20, 30 years ago did a shitty job on a house, and now it's falling apart. The owner doesn't remember the guy's name, if it's even the same homeowner...  The motherfucker isn't gonna get in trouble for doing a shitty job and ripping the guy off.  You apply for a loan or a line of credit, file an insurance claim, whatever, and they promptly lose your paperwork...

Shit happens.  That's what they say.  Shit always happens, and oh well, as long as it happens to somebody else.  It's not until it happens to you that you begin to give a fuck.  Now all of a sudden it's unfair!  Guess what, it was unfair when that guy ripped off Grampa Joe on his soffit & fascia thirty years ago, and it was unfair when Bob the Bankster stole Billy Bubba's farm out from under him, and it was unfair when Doug the Developer bought the land from Bob's Bank and destroyed it to build a plan of McMansions and a strip mall...  It's never been fair, any of it.  They tear down the ghetto to build gentrified yuppiedom, and they destroy the countryside to build projects to house the people they evicted from the ghetto.  Then 20 years go by, and the projects are now the ghetto, the surrounding streets are the hood, and the yuppies want to expand their territory.  They want to push the "undesirable element" of humanity (IE: The poor) further and further away from their fancy bullshit facade.  They push the farmers out and build suburbia for themselves, and more projects to isolate the poor away from themselves.  But downtown wears the gaudiest of plastic masks.

Everything is shit anymore. Buildings are built too quickly, out of the cheapest available materials, by the cheapest available labor, (which is usually illegals,) wrapped in a plastic face, and sold for an overinflated price, most often to yuppies or businesses that can't afford it but have "good credit."  
Vehicles are made the same way, assembled out of the cheapest available materials, by the cheapest available labor, (robots in this case,) mass-produced for mass-consumption, like everything else, and the cars all look the same anymore, they all look like plastic toys, not real cars. The last year cars looked like cars was 1979.  The last year they produced good cars was 1972.  

Everything is crappy mass-produced trash anymore.  There's no pride in craftsmanship.  There's no quality control.  Everything has a half-life.  New cars begin to depreciate the instant you sign the paperwork, before you even drive it off the lot.  The only thing that still gets better with age is bourbon.  Well, and old things that are already old, of course.  But most new things will never get old because they're built to wear out in a specific time frame.

Everything is a watered-down version of itself.  Everything is a caricature of itself, a cartoon of itself, fake and plastic, artificial...  {Consider the Mandela Effect..}  And it's all designed to keep the rich and powerful rich and powerful, and the rest of us in the fuck barrel.  You, me, college boys, wannabe yuppies with good credit, we're all being lied to by the privileged few, the .001% of the 1%.

And yes, it's all redundant. "Representative Democracy" is bullshit.  Who do they represent?  The rich motherfuckers that got them "elected?"  Certainly not you and me.  Maybe if actual working class Americans were elected, and provided they were not corrupted by the system, maybe we would get proper representation, maybe... and that's a stretch.  Blacks would side with blacks, whites would side with whites, Christians would side with Christians...  But if we could just remove the banks and the corporate world from government, maybe, just maybe, we might make some headway.  Removing the filthy uber-rich from government altogether requires mass revolution on a grand scale, which itself requires unity among humanity on a global scale. How can we accomplish that when the religious folks cant even agree on a god, and you can't even get two people to agree on pizza toppings?  People actually like and some may even admire Donald Trump. - Sitting here shaking my motherfuckin head as to why, but some folks do. They think he cares about America, Jesus H Christ, Trump cares about Trump. That's it.  Sure, he'd like to make the country into his ideal, which to the rest of us would be a fascist dictatorship, but ultimately all he gives a fuck about is himself. Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul are the only two politicians who have said anything even remotely sensible in my lifetime, and I'm 53.  But Dennis Banks might make a good president.  Colin Powell probably would have, and people actually wanted him to run, and he declined flat out.  That right there should tell you something.  It sure speaks volumes to me.

...Why the fuck?...

Better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven, they say. I say why must it be a choice of one extreme or the other? I seem to recall hearing someone in a movie say that only sith deal in absolutes...  So here is my line of thinking:  Why do they make it a choice between being tortured for eternity or prostrating oneself before the all mighty Deity, singing praises to It for eternity? Neither option sounds remotely enjoyable to me. I'm not a mindless minion. I'm a human. I seek neither to serve, nor to be served, but simply to be. I would spend eternity living on a green planet, with clean air and pure water, and all manner of life, without the ravages of modern society. Other humans may be there, as long as they have mutual respect for one another, and for me, and for all that exists, and as long as they give me my space and my freedom to roam where I choose. ...But what does it mean to be human? Are we just the most highly advanced form of mammal that we know of, and when we leave this existence we return to the dirt? Or are we Spiritual beings having a human experience, our physical bodies no more / no less than avatars which we use to interface with this dimension? Are we gods? Are we sons and daughters of Man? Are we kept livestock for some sinister superior race? Or are we just a multitude of fucking observers? What purpose does our existence serve? - None of these questions has ever been answered to my satisfaction, nor have any of these concepts as yet been proven or disproven to me beyond shadow of doubt.  Why do religions and governments have such authoritarian ultimatums and such severe punishments for disobedience? If to err is human, then why are we punished for being human? "Oops, I fucked up. I didn't mean to, I made a mistake." Beat-beat-beat! Whup-whup-whup! Cane-cane-cane! Jail, gaol, imprison, punish, inflict pain... Punish! Punish! Punish! Drag! Shackle! Enslave... Cage, domesticate, manipulate, control.....  How is that any semblance of fair? So then why is the unfair and unjust done? Why is this unnecessary suffering visited upon us? Or is it a necessary suffering, for some greater, as yet unrevealed purpose?    

What is a five year old's favorite word? "Why?"  I asked that question when I was innocent, and was given an incorrect answer. The answer I got was, "Because I say so."  Well that's insufficient! It's a bullshit answer! It's a fucking copout! It's not only insufficient, it's unacceptable.  Preacher man stands in the pulpit and says, "You will obey every word of this text, or fire and brimstone will rain down on you from above, for eternity! Because I say so!" I call bullshit.  Pa says, "You will do as I say, not as I do, or I will whup your ass with a leather strap, because I say so!" I call bullshit.  I recognize no outside authority, and beating me senseless won't alter that. Basically, if you can't or won't provide adequate explanation for your reasoning, then you must be lying, and/or your reasoning is flawed. That's how I figure it. 

When unstoppable force meets immovable object: {The Inquisition}

"Ok then, where is this god of whom you speak, who demands tribute and obedience, without explanation of reason, and punishes mercilessly for any infraction"
"He is everywhere, within all things."
"If he's in all things, then he's in me as well, for I am a part of everything, so then I am a part of god, so how can you punish a part of god? How can you abuse, torture, rape, pillage, and inflict pain and suffering upon a part of god? And why would he inflict pain and suffering upon a part of himself? Is he a sadomasochist?"
"Do not blaspheme! Do not question God!"
"How, by any stretch of imagination, is innate curiosity a blasphemy?"
"Yours is not to reason why! Yours is but to do and die!"
"Bull fuckin Shit!"
"You shalt not disobey!"
"Fuck you! I shalt do as I doth choose, and you shalt not hinder me!"
"Guards!! Seize him and bind him in chains!! Take him to the medieval torture room!!"
"I will escape this madness, and I will come back here, and I will kill you."
"We will kill you first."
"If so, then I will spit in your eye with my dying breath. ..Regardless, I will never obey you, and nothing you say or do can change that. I am human. I am free. I am me."

The UFOs are coming...

The UFOs are coming. It's only a matter of time. Linear time is a human concept. Fleas don't perceive time the same as humans. Nor do rocks. Mice only see what is right in front of their faces. Monkey in the mirror. Frog in the spaghetti pot. Pork chitterlings. Roasted soybeans. I stuck my tongue in her urethra, on accident at first, but then on deliberate purpose, while I chewed on her clit. Softcore cunt sucking of the finest degree. I assure you. Parakeets recognize other parakeets. Cheez Whizz on a Ritz cracker. Olive milk. Pulled pigmeat. Hog maws. I like butter. How is the whiskey in these parts? I hear the heroin is to die for. That wasn't funny. But then it never is. Mister Pee Bottle and the wee-back machine. Timecop with a $2700.00 a day cocaine habit. That rolly-polly little blondie in the backseat of my 72 Buick. I didn't know it was her maiden voyage. I made her squirt on the ceiling. Monte Alban Mezcal. Fuzzy beer. George the bug. Don't leave a belt of Black Cat firecrackers sticking out of your pocket with easy access to the wick where one of your drunken buddies, an asshole like me, for instance, can very easily lean over with a cigarette and light it. Oops. Bet that smarts. We were jackasses when them dudes were still in diapers. Pass me another whore. Never claimed to be any kinda saint. Blood rains down from an angry sky, my cock rages on, my cock rages on. And how much whiskey does it take to make a drunk pass out in his boots and winter coat? About that much, I reckon. And I wasn't stealing them sheep, I was just giving them a ride in the back of my truck. Honest, ossifur. Sorry man, no leg of lamb tonight. But maybe a pigroast next week, provided we can steal us a pig... Times was more funnerer back then, back when cars was cars and cops was cops, and dirtbikes was the only way to fly, c'mon let's go get high. I wanna piss, but I'm too high, but I was stoneder then, and drunker than ten skunks. Ten drunk skunks with a pitbull chaser. I love that nobody really knows what the fuck I'm talking about. Good shit, Bolt! Fried cow patty. Dead fish on a bun with cheese. I said with cheese!  ...Brotherhood of the minnow. Possum in the trashcan. Dog chasing a hog, yeah I seen it. Throwed outta the titty bar. What the fuck are you doing in the middle of the road? Drinkin.  What fuckin mailboxes? I don't have a hole in my tire. I don't have a .357 laying on the dashboard. You'd see it if it was there. The fuck are you babbling about? Ok baby, yeah, let's go up in your backyard and hang out. I got some really good weed and some ludes. Chicken and a pig were walking one day, chicken said "I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" "I like chicken. Gawmp!" said the pig. Pigs is pigs. I ran over a duck with a 70-something Chevy Monza on the riverbank. The girls had a shit fit. I didn't do it on purpose. We had duck for supper. The girls wouldn't eat it. I love aminals. My buddy hit a pheasant with his Nova one time, same dealio, we ate the motherfucker. What are you gonna let it go to waste?!  Poaching my ass. You know what poaches my ass? A four foot tire fire. I had a wire. It was my wire. Then I lit it on fire. This girl I know wants me to help her out of a jam. I want some pussy. But she's trouble with a capital T. And I been there and done that too many times before, not with this particular girl, but it's the same pattern. "I'm a poor little helpless waif, come and rescue me!" Never ends well. Never say never. Something about them junkie chicks.. Don't know man, maybe I'm addicted to addicts... Maybe my dick just doesn't have a conscience. Mother Lilith, may I cavort with one of your daughters? I won't harm her. I just wanna hold her naked sweaty body next to mine, for a time. But if you say I may, then I'd love to taste her. But if you say no, I may not, well then all's for the best. Trouble comes a-knockin at my window late at night, and I open up that motherfucker and say, "Hey Trouble! Come on in, let's party!" Then the feelings come sneaking in with her, and the junkie tears, and the protector instinct within me awakens. Look out Loretta. He's getting dragged around by the dick again. What were once vices are now habits, according to the Doobie Brothers. Trap. Steel jaws. Snap. Got me by the balls. Chasing after some young cunt again, like a bloodhound in the wind, this time it'll be different, that same old song again. Like iron to a magnet, like a dog to its own puke, keep on running back to Miss Trouble, that same old song again. A succubus will keep on sucking until she sucks you dry. It ain't her fault, boy, it's just the way she's made, she ain't even gotta try. She can draw you into her vortex with a subtle wink of her eye. And you ain't to blame neither, just a dog going after some pie. But shit happens. Fecal matter occurs naturally. My olfactory receptors are geared to sniff after the pussy. But we'll see what we will see. Maybe she'll find some other swinging dick to torment with her sweet lies...  Either way...  The UFOs are coming. You can't stop it. Donald Trump can't stop it. Maybe the Spirit of Nikola Tesla might be able to stop it, or at least delay the inevitable for a while. It's a crap-shoot. Who knows? Certainly not I. Maybe we ought to consult the Pussy Oracle.

Hairy Piss-Miss, very muddy

I purple a roadmap to pussy hole. No mung beans will know. Mudpuppy my bulldog with a nose hair booger on the windshield hawkenspit phlegm ball. Put the kettle on the nightstand kitty. I peel a cheese numbing pawn. Twelve trouts a-swimming, eleven lizzards meeping, ten Winstons burning, nine breadsticks baking, eight joints a-smoking, seven six-strings strumming, six pack of Guinness, five hits from bong, four stinky turds, three ink pens, two cats on bed... And a big fat bag of weed.