Ok. I had this girlfriend once who really liked shoes. She must've had 50 pairs of shoes under the bed. This will be important later. So this girl used to take excruciatingly long in the bathroom. I've peed out windows. But I digress... One time she was in the bathroom for a long time. A really long time. Too long. And I had to shit. So I reached under the bed... I reached way back, and I grabbed me a shoe. One that I figured she didn't even know was under there... I shit in the shoe. Then I wiped my ass with kleenex and stuffed that into the shoe. I wasn't sure what to do next. I was pondering this, when I heard the bathroom door open. In a panic, I stuffed the shoe back under the bed. Way back. Fast forward a bit, sometime later... She says, "Do you smell something?" I said "sniff sniff, No." She said, "sniff sniff, Amost smells like... sniff... shit." I must've let a laugh slip out. She said, "You think it's funny?!" I said, "No, just the way you said it was funny." She said, "Well I'm gonna find it, whatever it is." And she proceeded to walk all around the apartment, sniffing. I was grinning and gritting my teeth at the same time. I got up and took the trash out. Then i told her there was a rotten potato and I got rid of it. That worked temporarily, but I still had to do something about the shoe full of shit. So the next time I was alone in the apartment, I pulled the bed out from the wall, found the poop shoe, and wailed it out the window as far as I could. Pushed the bed back and called it a done deal. ...Until we were getting ready to go somewhere and she couldn't find one shoe. One particular shoe, that should've been right there, where she always kept it... ... ..Uh oh. She had the bed out from the wall, and all the shoes laid out in pairs on the bed, and there was one shoe missing. "Where's my shoe?!" "I have no idea." (True. It went out the window, so maybe, outside?) "Bullshit. There's nobody else here but you and me. Where's my fuckin shoe?!" "I don't know." (Again, true.) So, I'm not gonna rehash the whole fight, but I was the bad guy by default. Again.
..About a week later we were going somewhere, and she just said, "Stop!" She opened the door yelling, "Thats my shoe! That's my fuckin shoe!" I sat there and watched her run over to a pink thing lying in the grass, pick it up, inspect it, reach into it, and drop it. Then she just started screaming. I sat there shaking my head, thinking, well, I'm fucked now. Better find a couch to surf on. She was on her knees now, still screaming. I thought about just closing the door and driving away, but I didn't. I pulled the door shut, but I just sat there watching her... Then something unexpected happened. I didn't notice the cop approaching until he was almost on top of her. When he spoke to her she screamed back at him. She stood up and started flailing her arms, and he took her down and handcuffed her. Oh shit. A crowd was forming by this time. Everybody didn't have camera phones back then, this was like 1992, but folks sure had a boatload of morbid curiosity. He pulled her up to her feet, and she kind of spit-yelled in his face, "He shit in my shoe!" And then, "Waaaaaaah!" I'm just sitting there in the car with my mouth hanging open. As he was dragging her to his car, she kept screaming, "My shoe! My shoe!" over and over. She went to the psych ward that day. I went home and started packing.
Oops. My bad.
I kept a hairy eyeball over my shoulder for a couple years. You know what they say about a woman scorned. I honestly never expected it to escalate to that point, until it did. I didn't see it coming. Then I just sat there staring like a deer in the headlights while the cop hauled her off. I didn't even try to intervene. And then I just drove away. To assume she hated my guts at that point would be an understatement. I sold that car and got a pickup that she wouldn't recognize. I didn't mean her any harm. When you gotta go you gotta go.
The moral of the story? I don't know. Maybe don't shit in your girlfriend's shoe? I guess...
And if you do, don't throw it out the window where she can find it.
